Most of us have been there before. Feelings of torment, self-pity, and emotional pain when a long term relationship (LTR) ends. Regardless if you are the one who walks away, or vice versa – those types of negative feelings are common and uncontrollable. What is controllable however, is how quickly you embrace closure – bouncing back to take charge of your life as a better man.
Your natural inclination is to curl up in a ball, and obsess over the countless “whys” and ponder the “what could have been” that pops up in your head day after day. You will drive yourself crazy and get nowhere with this. You can’t go 10 minutes without thinking about her – always the good memories (our minds seemingly always block out the bad ones). You would do anything to go back in time to “repair” the damage that was caused. You feel a sense of hopelessness, and begin to believe that you will never find another girl to replace what you have lost.
The truth however, is that you will.
I am a veteran of two LTR’s. Both have failed. The second time around, I was crushed. I broke up with her but it made no difference. We shared a lot together – included an apartment for several years. I called her my best friend. However, I got my act back together rather quickly. I knew what had to be done and I pushed through all the emotional adversity, as difficult as it was at the time. I became a better man – much better than who I was during my last relationship.
Was it easy? Far from it.
I reflected on what went wrong – specifically on my end. I came to grips with the fact that although we were both to blame, I had a lot to do with the failure. This is key. I identified all the weaknesses that I had overlooked or neglected while I was in the relationship – things I refused to acknowledge at the time or simply did not think existed.
Never blame yourself for a relationship failing. It is always a two way street. At the same time it is imperative to learn from it, and strengthen your resolve and resiliency as you move forward. I re-framed the situation and realized that I needed to overcome the negative feelings and instead use them as fuel and motivation to improve myself.
The end of a relationship and closure on said relationship remain two distinct, separate things that are vital to understand in order to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. If you dwell on matters and refuse to come to terms with yourself – closure might never come.
It is up to you. And it is not easy.
In my case, it took me roughly two months to put things behind me and start feeling great again. Purposely – I spent those two months doing a lot of self-reflecting and a LOT of reading. Sites like Return of Kings, Bold & Determined, Good Looking Loser, and other motivational manosphere blogs all helped me out big time. I focused on my weakness and internalized ways to improve myself going forward. I yearned to make my biggest shortcomings some of my strongest traits. That meant both intellectually and socially.
I focused on what mattered to me in life. I kept myself busy. I surrounded myself with those friends who have always been there for me. I broke through my comfort zone. THESE STEPS ARE VITAL.
After the two months, I began to re-socialize with the opposite sex. I took all that I had learned from my readings and I applied it. You can do all the reading and analyzing in the world, but it will never substitute for actual practice in the field. Nothing can replace actually going out, fighting your urge to shy away; and instead walking up and talking to women. Once you begin to thrive again socially – your life becomes unpredictable and unscripted. It feels GREAT. It’s a fascinating and euphoric learning experience. Meeting lots of new women from all walks of life did wonders for me. It helped me redirect my frame; and combined with all my other efforts, helped me get closure on my past relationship.
I never forget the past, but I do harness it. It will not damper my energy and I will never let it stop my grind. I now know that I am a high value male that offers more than 95% of the men out there. I have no shame in my beliefs and I know that when I am ready to eventually settle down, I will find EXACTLY what I am looking for. This wasn’t always the case, but it was something I embedded inside myself during the two months I took to find myself again. My confidence exploded and I knew I had a lot to offer the world. I refuse to stop learning. I refuse to stop getting BETTER.
Harnessing your negative energies and turning them into positives is vital. So is surrounding yourself with friends that will be there for you, but also push you to better yourself. You do not want ‘yes men’ who will baby you and let you sulk and stay stagnant.
I hope this was helpful to those out there who have dealt with or are dealing with a similar situation. I have lived through it twice. Keep busy. Stick with your friends. Crush the gym and get ripped. Define your style. Read, read, and read some more (manosphere, self-help, motivational stuff). There will be more women to come. Trust me.
I have lived this. Shoot me a comment if you want to know more specifics.