Lies Thru a Lens via Flickr

Oneitis and the Buffet of Life

You work all week and come home to an empty house/apartment. The weather is shitty and your seasonal depression has been in full swing for weeks now. You don’t have much free time, and the time you do have is wasted playing video games and watching old TV shows on Netflix. You go out to the bar or the club here and there, but have no luck in trying to pull a chick for so much as a dance or drink, never mind getting her to go home with you. It seems that every weekend goes the same way. You are starting to feel hopeless.

Then suddenly it all changes. You’re out at your usually night spot and a chick falls into your lap. It feels too good to be true. Both of you are into one another, chatting and flirting loudly over Summertime Sadness blasting in the background. You’re both heavily intoxicated, but who cares – you feel invincible in her presence. You don’t get her home that night unfortunately; however you do get a phone number. You feel smitten, feeling as though this will finally be the chick to get you over the hump. You already start to build her up in your mind – imaging how awesome she must be and how lucky you are to have been at the bar in that exact moment. You even go further – picturing what it would be like to potentially date such a girl because she seems so perfect.

You meet up for dinner a few days later. She is gorgeous and you can’t stop laughing and smiling in her presence.  Could this be the best girl you have ever met? You know its early, but it sure seems that way. Dinner goes great and you are starting to believe that this girl was made for you. On top of that, its been so long since the last time you’ve had sex that you cannot go 5 minutes without envisioning taking this chick down. You get through dinner, throw your card towards the bill (bonus points right?), and leave. Then the buzz kill hits – she has work early in the AM. You miss out yet again. You are content though, because now you know that this girl is perfect and you HAVE TO have her.

Date 2. Dinner again, and the script follows much the same as the first date. This girl is amazing. She is funny tonight and looks even more beautiful. You are now convinced that no other girls compare to her. She is way above them – she is pure, caring, beautiful and funny. Ever since you met her two weeks ago, you have given up the chase. You’ve stopped going out to the bars, and stopped attempting to talk to other girls. What’s the point? They won’t compare. Your dream girl is sitting right across from you, and she has no equal.

Eventually, after two more dates (where you pay in full), she finally gives in and you get her into bed.

Score! Euphoria! This must be heaven right?

Trevor Hurlbut via Flickr
Trevor Hurlbut via Flickr

It’s been months since the last girl you’ve slept with, and it’s made even better because this girl is amazing inside and out. You begin to hang out with her several times a week. Soon, almost all of your free time is spent with her. It’s getting expensive – buying drinks and dinner all the time is not cheap. But who cares. She is the best, no other girls compare. You haven’t see your boys in some time but oh well – it’s more convenient to have her over and have a movie marathon in your bedroom. Did I mention she cooks too?

You waste no time in asking her to go exclusive – why see other people when she is the one? You certainly do not want other men near your special prize. You are paranoid that she will run away to other guys if you do not make the move. You feel the pressure, but convince yourself that it is what you want to do. You lock that down and have never felt more confident that you were making the right decision.Then as quick as it started, it ends.

She walks away from your relationship. It lasted only a month, but it felt like forever. You are devastated. She was your soul mate. How can you go back into the world and find such a quality woman? She will come to her sense you believe. But she doesn’t. You ask yourself why. You wonder if you will ever be able to survive without her.

Gentlemen – welcome to ONEITIS.

At its core, oneitis is an over the top attraction to a female combined with an obsessive need to have those same feeling reciprocated. This can be a common occurrence among men and is magnified further if one is going through a long sexual drought.

The first girl who you happen to sleep with after this drought accelerates the oneitis process. This girl becomes ‘the perfect chick.’ You feel she is so special, so unique, and thus want to spend all your time with her. You do not give the interaction any room to breathe, and display many beta tendencies– from being available all the time to buying food/drinks every time you go out to to impress yourself upon her. You are  trying way too hard. You feel the need to lock her down ASAP because other men might come in and ‘take her away from you.’ You feel that you cannot let that happen – she is perfect and needs to be yours.

Robert Bejil  via Flickr
Robert Bejil via Flickr

The other major issue with oneitis is that you cease to flirt and/or date other chicks. You lose your desire to have sex with other women because oneitis has trapped you and made you feel as though you have all you need in this one girl.  Women can easily sense this neediness, but some will go along with it anyways (for now at least), knowing they has you wrapped tighter than a present under the Christmas tree. Oneitis does not feel like an unhealthy obsession, but that is exactly what it is.  What is going on does not mirror reality. It’s a trumped-up version of the ‘honeymoon phase’ and it can be dangerous to your social well-being. You are latching on to a false hope.

I have a helpful analogy for Oneitis.

Say you were told you had ONE FOOD to eat for the rest of your life.

How would you proceed?

A reasonable man would take his time to taste and sample many foods. He would do his research into what foods he could potentially handle for the duration of his life. No food will be perfect, but some will definitely be easier to eat than others. This man would think long and hard, comparing the different foods to one another – weighing the pro’s and con’s of each. He would want to make the best possible decision and would do so through EXPERIENCING a variety of foods. A man would never make such a monumental decision without comparing and contrasting. That would be foolish. That would be impractical. That would be Oneitis.

Aitor Escauriaza via Flickr
Aitor Escauriaza via Flickr

Take your time and sample the buffet. Oneitis is often closely associated with a lack of game, and thus, a lack of alternative options. Women are scarce to those with the worst cases of oneitis. Confidence is also lower among these men, as they generally have trouble leaving their comfort zone. They convince themselves they know best, and quickly disregard the advice and opinions of those close to them when they try to bring it to their attention.

Keep meeting HIGH QUALITY women and find out what you truly like and want. Find a mentor to help you out if needed. You cannot truly know what you want out of women if you close yourself off every time you meet a new girl. It is counterproductive and screws with your mentality. It’s a setback. You want to have options – it keeps you grounded and you end up making rational decisions because your head is not clouded by oneitis. You act calm and collective – knowing that you can simply go to the next girl if one of them acts foolish, needy, or disrespectful. More importantly, you are in CONTROL of the interaction.

There are 100’s of women within your reach no matter where you live. All women have awesome qualities and negative qualities. You gain experience and learn new things from dating multiple chicks. You are able to build up a list of exactly what you are looking for in a potential partner. It is at this point that you will be able to make a rational decision on whether A) You want to get into a relationship B) The girl in question is WORTH it.

Make the girls qualify themselves and work to earn your affection, and not the other way around. If they stick around even when they know you are not exclusively committed to them, then you might have a keeper. You should be casually dating a girl for months before you decide to commit yourself exclusively to her. Even at that point – Only commit if it is WHAT YOU WANT TO DO and for no other reason, especially not because she wants it. Continue to live the lifestyle of a high value male and everything will always fall into place. Never stop improving yourself.

Embrace and understand oneitis – and then destroy it for good.


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