We all want to be wanted. Especially by women.
The fear of rejection is the #1 hindrance for men, and can be blamed for the lack of success for many. Those who do well with women attributed it to the “outcome independence” theory – where we go into each and every interaction with zero expectations. If rejection occurs, it is simply on to the next one. We must constantly remind ourselves that these women are strangers. They owe us nothing and we are not required to give anything. It takes dedication and experience to reach this stage, and it does not come easy. However, you will be a better man for it.
Rejection in a Casual Relationship
Wikipedia defines a causal relationship as “a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have casual sex or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship.”
I agree with this (aside from the near-sexual part), and define my own casual relationships with the following parameters:
- I have been having sex with this girl for at least a month
- I am having sex with other girls, and FULLY expecting that the girl is having sex with other guys
- There has been no discussion about being exclusive
- Hang out (with sex) at least once every 7-10 days
These types of relationships are great while they last, but they almost always have a shelf life.
As with any new relationship, the beginning starts off exciting as you learn about their background, personality, and of course their body and sexual desires. But as time passes, the woman will eventually want a commitment or will seek other make options that will give her what you will not.
Chris from Good Looking Loser does a brilliant job outlining how to retain women in casual relationships.
A casual relationship can go one of two ways. In the first scenario, the woman will eventually want to take things to the “next level” – which usually involves a discussion about being exclusive. This could take a few weeks or even a few months, but the talk will come eventually if she is in to you.
The second scenario is when the woman chooses to fade you out and become exclusive with another guy she is casually dating at the same time as you. A golden rule is that you should always expect the woman to have someone else on the side, as long as you remain non-exclusive. She will begin to go dark and flake on you. You can drive yourself nuts envisioning the reasons for this, so just don’t.
What if you are really into the chick and she decides to leave?
Even though a causal relationship is non-exclusive, the end can still be difficult to accept. I have dealt with this when I was actually into the woman, and I’d be lying if I said it was not an ego blow when the relationship ended. The key is to view it as her loss, and move on. If you are on top of your game, there will be plenty more opportunities to meet girls just like her. Some guys might take the wrong approach and begin to question why they were no longer “good enough” for the girl. Never think in these terms.
My Approach to Retention
Most people hate the unknown. Along with rejection, most humans fear things they cannot understand or foresee. That is why so many people settle in life. When a girl goes dark or breaks things off with us, the first thing that rushes into our mind is – WHY!?
But more often than not, we will never get that answer. In a world where women are at the pinnacle of social ineptitude, we are usually left wondering why things faded away.
I like to consider myself a great judge of people. I can usually call things as they are about to happen, and pick up on red flags and warning signs almost immediately. I smell excuses from a mile away, and have come a long way in mastering the art of body language and subtle cues.
What are some sings when a girl begins to distance herself?
- Text frequency – Once you have a relationship established, you will have a text frequency (i.e. time of day, # of texts in a day, time to respond, etc). This can include other nuances such as Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, etc. If this begins to change for the worse, it is a red flag.
- Excuses – I am on top of things when making plans. I give plenty of notice. If I ask a girl what her availability will be in the next 5 days or so, and she says “I’ll let you know” or comes with a variety of excuses, it is a red flag.
When the above two things occur, it is best to do one of two things. First, you can go dark yourself. Make it known that you will not put up with flakiness, immaturity, or games. If she comes around, good. If she doesn’t, she just isn’t into it anymore and you move on.
The second scenario is direct and to the point. If you are really enjoying the casual relationship and are thinking that MAYBE there is potential for more – than simply man up and tell her what is on your mind. I have ZERO issue communicating my intentions. I always keep it real and when I am into a chick and if things begin to get murky – I will let them know where I stand. The key is that you do not want to give in too much, or make it seem as though you are desperate or needy.
One of my most recent texts to a girl in this situation is as follows:
“I pride myself on trying to be a good communicator, but I can’t read someone’s mind through texts. I like that you are similar, in that you are honest and to the point. I am perfectly content with how things are and seeing what happens from here. I don’t bullshit because I’ve met a lot of girls, and most do nothing for me. I’m consistent and persistent when I enjoy something, so I’m just trying to see where your head is at. I can’t work with what I don’t know.”
As you can see, I am making my intentions loud and clear, but also not ceding power in the relationship to her. I make it known that I am into how things are going and would like to keep seeing what happens. I do not suggest we go exclusive, and I certainly don’t ask if she is seeing other people. I am confident enough in myself that I know I will beat the other man for a woman, IF THAT BECOMES MY INTENTION.
I do not mind complimenting her either, as that is what I am doing when I mention the “other girls.” As the same time, this qualifies me as a man with options. However, I explicitly state several times that I am not the one for games, and I expect clear lines of communications. This type of text will clear the air and she will either be impressed by my clarity/honesty or she will use it as her opportunity to express frustration, issues, or most likely excuses for disinterest.
Casual relationships come and go. Always be simultaneously talking with other girls. Stay active on dating apps such as POF, OKC, and Tinder to stay ready to dive into something new. Most importantly; stay busy and make sure you are not mopping around wondering why things ended. If you are into the girl as more than a potential fuck buddy, then make it known. Women value direct communication from a man due to their own shortcomings in this area. I view all my encounters as some type of push-pull. I do invest varying degrees of emotions into each of my relationships; some way more than others. But I certainly do not have the patience, energy or desire to sit in a grey area for a prolonged period of time. Good luck out there.