This is Part II of a three-part series where I will lay out a blueprint for online dating based on my own personal success.
In this section, I will breakdown how I interacted with the women on the site – from first contact to getting their number to setting the date. Make sure you have already read Part I, HERE. Enjoy.
Sending & Receiving Messages – My Methods
I have read in a few places that the rule of thumb is to send out 100 messages once a week. Then, the hope is that you receive 15-20 responses which would turn into roughly 8-10 first dates, and 1-2 potential take homes. I have had great success on both OKC and POF, BUT I did not follow the above script.
This leads me back to my statement in Part I:
Your pictures will define any type or success or failure you have on these sites!!
It is a shallow world out there – all the more reason to look the best you possibly can – keeping your body, grooming, and style in top shape.
I received a LOT of attention when I first signed up and completed my profile. I was getting 20+ views a day, and was hit with a steady dose of messages for a week or two straight. 80% of the messages I received were from undesirable girls. The other 20% I engaged in quickly, as they were attractive and fit what I was looking for. Half of my success came from this group – INCOMING MESSAGES FROM OTHER GIRLS.
I did not keep track of how many messages I sent out, but it was a low amount. I would say maybe 30-40 sporadic “here and there” messages over the 3 month period. I kept a favorite list of women I liked, and worked off that.
I highly recommend messaging any quality girl who checks out your profile. This is a given. Some girls refuse to message a guy under any circumstance. If a girl checks out your profile more than once, it is a sign that you need to message her immediately.
When I do send out messages, I switch up the content and cater it to whoever I am talking with. I will pull one or two things from their profile and comment on it (something like ‘winning combo’), or I will simply say something about a physical feature and say “you’re cute and I like your style.” Very basic stuff. I never send out generic messages in batches. This is just my experience – I have not had the need to send out mass messages, as I simply would be overwhelmed with responses.
Based on my experiences, I remain a firm believer that it is irrelevant what you say as long as it’s not creep status or goofy as hell. If the girl is into your pictures and to a lesser extent, your profile and question answers, she will respond to your messages.
I work during the day, so I will not respond to messages during those times. This also helps to set boundaries down the line when you have the girl’s number, as they will know that it’s not okay to bother you with wasteful texts during the work week. Since I have this app on my phone, I will write back when I am not working. I could be at home, on the train, walking, etc.
One strong indicator of interest and non-flake behavior is in how quickly they respond to you. If the interaction gets to the point that it is a rapid back and forth, you are in VERY good shape. Those girls who wait hours or days to write back either are just enjoying the attention, have other guys already on their books, or simply are not that interested. Know when to move on (this instinct develops fairly quickly).
I am a firm believer that the girl needs to feel somewhat comfortable with you before she moves on to the texting phase. By exchanging basic (and boring) information, they are able to tell if you are worth the time.
Before I ask for their number, I usually ask the majority of the below questions:
- What bring you on this site?
- What are you from?
- Where do you live now?
- What do you do for work?
- Where do you like to go out around the city?
- Where did you go to school?
These are simple questions that may seem boring, but they go a long way to ensuring you get their number.
Are all these questions necessary? Probably not.
I purposely stick to a somewhat methodical pace through the entire process because it is how I have experienced the most success. I do not push the sequencing of events at too rapid of a pace, because it may turn some girls off along the way. Feel free to tweak things how you see fit.
I will send them my number after going back and forth 10-15 total times.
I use the same language every time:
So you’re cute and seem pretty cool. I hate using this app, I feel like I’m a kid again using AIM. If you want to keep “talking,” shoot me a text at XXX-XXX-XXXX. I’m more of a voice/text kinda guy.
Boom. Simple as that.
I have had 100% success of receiving a text after I give them my number, so I would say this process is pretty vetted.
It has worked EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
TIP: Getting the above information, combined with their name, should allow you to find them on Facebook using some mid-level detective skills with the search feature. Plus in first name, school or hometown, and they should eventually pop up.
I also do a simple Google search to see what I get. I do this to see if I can find some additional pictures, as some girls are masters of making themselves look attractive in their 4-5 OKC pics. When you are only seeing selfie’s or headshots – there is a problem and sometimes more pics are needed to make a determination.
Call v. Text
There are different opinions on this and the debate will continue to rage on back and forth in regards to the more efficient method of communicating.
Personally, I text all the time.
I am not a fan in the least, and I downright hate it most of the time, but I have accepted the fact that most girls in their 20’s feel way more comfortable texting and not talking on the phone. Out of all the dates and interactions I’ve had – only two girls asked to talk on the phone.
When girls get to my place, I don’t get a call – I get a “here” text. It is sadly a dying function in today’s world. I have adapted along with this change, and acknowledged that texting is the preferred way to interact for the time being.
Setting the Date
After 10-15 more texts back and forth, I will attempt to set up the date. will simply ask what their schedule looks like for the next week. I prefer to do weekday dates for the first time, and I tend to do them around 730-8pm. This gives me a chance to come home after work to change and get ready. After some back and forth regarding the day and time- the date is usually set.
IT IS UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE THE LOCATION. NEVER ask or rely on the girl to do this – it reflects poorly on you as someone whose role it is to LEAD. I always recommend grabbing drinks OR sushi OR both.
TIP: Drinks or sushi are the only type of dates I have gone on. Having 1-2 drinks are not hard on the wallet, and I love sushi (which is also inexpensive). I set it up this way so that if I get stuck with the bill after a terrible date, I can at least feel better about it the next day. Plus every girl seems to LOVE sushi. It’s an easy no frills, cheap way to get to know the other person.
- Setting the date location
- Importance of logistics
- Body language, physical contact
- Ending the date
My #’s and %’s are not the norm at all. I sent out very few messages and overall turned Messages into Numbers into Dates at an astronomically high mark. Regardless, it goes to show that any above average male can achieve greatness via online dating sites.
Leave your questions and feedback below!!